There was a time that I hid in my bedroom, unable to cope with the sense of failure and the lack of hope. What had I failed at? Well, I know what the enemy was telling me. And I know what men were saying, but the actual truth of the matter was, I let men's opinions and favor become more important than God's. I interpreted men's approval and disapproval as God's view of me. This was a problem that I had ever since childhood. Therefore, what ensued was a breakdown. I used to be really ashamed and embarrassed that I had broken down. My nerves were shot, I couldn't make simple decisions, and I had no sense of value or purpose.
I was four months pregnant with our sixth child, my thyroid became under active, and I was very sick with the pregnancy. A perfect recipe to bring me into the position that would ultimately be my greatest healing. A foundational crack in my make-up needed the healing touch of God and the mortar of His Word.
I remember my precious husband trying to cope with my questions. He would repeatedly tell me in his quiet and sincere way, "I don't know the why's, but the answer is in standing on the Word of God." It was his usual answer. It was the right answer.
I have always loved God's Word. I loved to study it and to ponder what I read. I made my own notes and journals regarding what the Lord had spoken to me over the years. But there came a time when I didn't know what to believe anymore, and I didn't trust myself to distinguish between the Holy and the profane. The fear of men had indeed ensnared me.
As I considered what my husband, Ed, had said to me over and over again, I remembered what Jesus said about having faith the size of a mustard seed. At that time, I wasn't sure I had that anymore (I told you I was depressed!) The Holy Spirit spoke to my heart (I also claimed I could never hear the Lord anymore) and asked me these questions.
Then you have your mustard seed of faith and so much more.
God preserved our baby and me through that pregnancy. He had spoken both to my heart and to a cherished friend that this baby was a symbol of the rebirthing of joy in my life. By the time our daughter, "Joy", was born, I was healed. No more anti-depressants. No more under active thyroid and a very clear and wholesome revelation of my value in Christ Jesus. Jesus birthed Joy in me as I gave birth to my baby Joy. And they both are continuing to grow.
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